SpaceSlam - December 9th, 2017
Space Slam, 2017 --Belt Reclaimed--A Dark Eagle Hatched--Extra Terrestrials Adopted!--- ************************************************************************* Wooooow! I mean, what?! We went into SPACE! After staring down COSMIC HORRORS the likes of which had never been seen, we all united in the spirit of GALACTIC PARTY VIOLENCE and propitiated the boundless SLAMHUNGER of BABY WORM! ************************************************************************* --Blast off -- ************************************************************************* We loaded into our mighty vessel! After #TanyaAndTawny gave us our in-flight safety briefing, we began our long, long taxi. Our destination? Newark, NJ! Was this the genesis of PWR: Newarkslam?? No! After a rousing viewing of THE 27 DRESSES, CELLPHONE INTERFERENCE FROM THE BONEREALM changed our ships' course, and TIMMY QUIVERS led our countdown/up out of Earth's orbit! ************************************************************************* --Alexandra Cage def. Charlie Frown-- ************************************************************************* Our first stop? Spacestation dock 0069, Space's NICEST station! The grinchly CHARLIE FROWN was hoarding presents meant for others, but ALEXANDRA CAGE was on the scene to stop him in a vicious HOLIDAY HARDCORE MATCH! Cage did her best to REDISTRIBUTE the self-proclaimed CRIMMUS KING's humbug-hoard. Though she was attacked with a sharpened candy cane, and brutal Lego-style blocks, her mighty TINSELBAT evened the odds! Cage left with a victory, breaking the power of the usurper king! ************************************************************************* --Dino Rida def. MetroRailien and Carl-- ************************************************************************* Next, we were confronted by what seemed to be hard working SPACE TEAMSTERS! They let us know we could not pass unless we paid a toll to Galexia. Uh oh, these weren't teamsters at all - but Star Bandits! Luckily, private investigator Rex Chop LITERALLY STUMBLED INTO THE RING to investigate. But Rex couldn't transform into his DINO RIDA persona! Dang! His fate was sealed... Luckily, THE CHIEF showed up in space, too, and gave the tiny tyrannosaurs, Ignacious, to Rex! He immediately morphed into the unstoppable DINO RIDA! The power of dinosaur could not be contained... ************************************************************************* --Dumpster Babes def. NARRC, capture BFF Titles-- ************************************************************************* In the orbit of the RAILS OF SATURN, our BFF CHAMPIONS put their titles on the line! The Dumpster Babes - PWR's filthiest monsters - had gone to the stars to prove that they were PWR'S BEST FRIENDS! BABYFACE threw a furious battery of HEADLOCKS at the trainlords, and Pink Eye deployed her signature, toxic eye-gouge! Finally - the NARRC used the power of the BFF belts to fuse into the PHANTOM TRAIN! But the Babes had found belts of their own, in the garbage. The trash-belts didn't seem to work! The anthropomorphic train was unstoppable, and all hope was lost. But the Babe's belts had been more effective than they knew, and their infant son HALITOSIS morphed into a GROTESQUE ADULT BABY!! The powerful trio defeated their foes with the ultimate friendship - FAMILY! The NARRC's TRAIN OF TERROR had finally been ended. The DUMPSTER AGE BEGINS! ************************************************************************* --Galexia crashes the party-- ************************************************************************* A brief intermission was staged in the ring, complete with party-goers from all over the galaxy! GARY THE GOAT distinguished himself by surviving the rays of the GLORBUS (THE ULTIMATE PARTY ORB) for 10 SPACE SECONDS! Aliens and earthlings alike rejoiced in this party triumph! But the fun didn't last - CRUEL QUEEN GALEXIA showed up with her retinue of CRAB ALIENS and demanded BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE! After maiming several party-guests, our Partyweight champion, Theodosia, challenged her! Galexia had stolen the belt, and wouldn't give it back! But Theo seemed to be in over her head against Galexia's relentless partying skills. Would she fare better against her in a match? Would Galexia claim EARTH as her next birthday gift? We would have to see... ************************************************************************* --Intergalactic Express and Puggin'Head def. Space Boss, Alpha, and Beta-- ************************************************************************* Puggin'Head, distressed by his run of losses, wished upon the stars for a tag partner! But he and Chubby Uncle Juan were met by a mean bunch of aliens who extolled the virtues of MINIONS over PARTNERS! This caste-based trio also prepared to dish a severe beating onto Chubby Uncle Juan - but the ESSENTIAL ALIENS, the INTERGALACTIC EXPRESS, showed up to grant Puggin's earlier wish! Would the power of TEAMWORK defeat that of ROTE COMMANDS? Puggin'Head's indomitable spirit, Mr. Massive Goliath's strength, and Space Lizard Super Wizard's agility combined into a powerful unit! Even with an ILLEGAL ROBOT BROUGHT INTO THE RING TO CHEAT, the PUGGIN-GALACTIC CONNECTION pulled out a win - Puggin's first in nearly a year! There's something to that TEAMWORK thing! ************************************************************************* --Randy "the Eagle" Eagleman def. Rodeotron Space Cowboy, retains Necroweight title-- ************************************************************************* Rodeotron - a robot designed to be the PERFECT COWBOY! He sought to pluck Randy's feathers, break his bird bones, and take the Necrobelt for himself. But Randy - ever the good sport, met his foe on equal footing - sending his own SKELETAL MINIONS AWAY! We gotta level with you - the strength and density of Rodeotron made Randy's task nearly insurmountable. But in the midst of the one-sided fracas, Rodetron recieved a special CHRISTMAS SPACE DELIVERY! What was it? But a SOUL! Rodeotron had been gifted with sentience! He immediately sought to mend his brutal ways, and talk things out with Randy..but the match was still on, and the Bird Man made a miraculous comeback! This comeback went overlong, and arguably sadistic. Randy won the match - and then a moment of untold cruelty occurred. Randy, our beloved waiter, shocked everyone by absorbing Rodeotron's new soul. Rodeotron seemed to feel a lifetime of pain and loss in that one moment, and cursed Randy as he died. We all gnashed our teeth at the gross display of legalistic vengeance we had witnessed. A buzzard's shadow passed over the ring, and the darkness of space seemed bright by compare. ************************************************************************* --Luigi Primo def. Big Daddy Bolero, shaves him-- ************************************************************************* Next stop...MUSTACHE PLANET! A pizza chef confronted a Dallas tycoon...the winner to shave the loser's mustache! The two warriors were evenly matched, going blow for blow, hold for hold. Finally, the battle could no longer be waged with hands and feet. The mustaches themselves became both weapon and target. Hair flew as these PARTY ATHLETES pressed their faces against each other! Big Daddy Bolero managed to get the clippers into the ring early, and by mutilating Luigi's whiskers, he gained a decisive upper hand. But after embarking on a SPIRIT QUEST and learning the SECRET OF THE INNER MUSTACHE, Luigi found new strength! Glass shattered as Bolero smacked himself with a bottle intended for Luigi, and Luigi drove him into the mat for the 3-count. Blood streamed down Bolero's face. Luigi shaved his enemy's facial hair and absorbed his stache-power! ************************************************************************* --Randy "the Eagle" Eagleman wins Foam Fumble, gains Heart of the Champion-- ************************************************************************* The Foam Fumble - PWR's giant multi-wrestler blowout - was up next! What a gruesome display we witnessed, there in the floating asteroid belt. *DEEP BREATH!* The first entrant? Dan "the Man" Ziglar! The next, and Dan's first opponent - Johnny Chains! This guy had a chain, for sure. He was eliminated instantly! Next entrant...JULIUS CAESAR SALAD! He and Dan waged a PITCHED BATTLE with vegetables! Soon, SINUS, of the FROWN GANG, joined the battle. The exalted salad-revenant seemed dominant...but then, hybrid referee/masked hero Arbitro Obscuro entered in a fury and toppled the other 3! Arbitro accidentally eliminated Sinus, and ON PURPOSE ELIMINATED CAESAR SALAD! This left he and Dan. A frantic one-on-one skirmish followed. Their tussle was interrupted by RATMAN! Whoever that is! Some kind of vigilante! His ineffective offense didn't last long- as Quizshow host SKIP RATHBONE waltzed forth. He forced the other competitors to play a macabre wheel-based game! This challenge FRIED Ratman out of the ring due to Skip's ELECTRIFIED BUZZER! But Aribtro out-witted the host and used his KNOWLEDGE OF THE RULES to beat Skip at his own game! The cyborg(?) Rathbone fried himself!! Beep...beep...BEEP! Who was entering now?! DINO RIDA! Arbitro and DIno clearly respected each other, and traded a flurry of attacks. They both took a moment to give Dan a good dropkick bashing. The next entrant, and the next elimination...PISSHUMAN! Who was he?! Was he allowed to be here?! Probably not! He left immediately, before entering the ring. Good riddance! But 2 more persistent wrestlers entered...GARY THE GOAT and BENCH HORSE! The horse predictably took no time in brutalizing everyone in the ring! The other competitors did their best to team up against the creature. But Gary reluctantly bailed out his contractual tag team partner/worst enemy! And the next competitor...SWEETIE TUFF! The forest nymph with RADITUDE! He give Dan a quick ROLL UP SPANKING before the in-ring competitors digressed into a FULL BRAWL! Next to enter...the HARDCORE MIME, DANGER DAVE! He used a series of MIME WEAPONS to dominate the in-ring competition! Things were about to get turned up EVEN LOUDER...as INTERSTELLAR TRAPLORD entered and DABBED POWERFULLY! TRAPLORD sat in the corner and chilled! After using HORSEDRUGS, Bench Horse HORSE BUSTED Aribtro and took him out! Then, Gary the Goat eliminated Dino Rida! On the other side of the ring, DANGER DAVE struck a flaming, razor-wired, invisible table, and flailed over the ropes in agony! Interstellar Traplord had gotten bored and left, at this point. And then...JAZZ WOLF entered! Everyone but BENCH HORSE swayed to the wolf's calming saxophone. This same sax was wielded as a weapon against Sweetie Tuff, who Bench Horse eliminated! But Jazz Wolf got his instrument back - and played a deadly, forbidden saxophone song, blowing BENCH HORSE OVER THE TOP ROPE! Then JAZZ WOLF left! The last two competitors...DAN AND GARY! The two circled, before battling each other off their feet. And then the buzzer...who was this? Another entrant? Who was it? It was...RANDY EAGLEMAN! Represented by JEPHISTOPHELES! Randy devastated GARY with a RED SCARE SLAM, and hit Dan with all DAN'S OWN MOVES! He eliminated all his opponents...and earned the HEART OF THE CHAMPION! This was a physical heart that Randy swore he would FEED TO THE NECROBELT. Never in PWR has a victory been so heart wrenching. ************************************************************************* --Theodosia Def. Galexia, retains Title, adopts aliens-- ************************************************************************* We were back in the orbit of earth, and the time had come for Galexia and Theodosia to find who was the TRVE COSMIC CHAMPION! Galexia was a force in the ring, using superior space-borne strength and ability to pummel Theo. She pushed her obsession with her own birthday to an UNSEEMLY EXTENT! Galexia demanded Theodosia compete in the most cruel party games with her! But Theo threw back every bit of VIOLENT PARTYING with her own PARTY VIOLENCE! She proved, even though she had been frozen in the ice for hundreds of years, she KNEW HOW TO PARTY! In act of SUPREME PARTYING, She BEFRIENDED GALEXIA'S ALIEN MINIONS with an OLD TIMEY STICK-AND-WHEEL! Galexia's advantage was neutralized! The Glorbus made a final appearance - and after withstanding it's party rays - Theo lobbed it to her opponent. Now it was Galexia who had been OUTPARTIED! Theo hit her signature cutter and locked in the most POWERFUL SUBMISSION MANEUVER THE GALAXY HAD EVER WITNESSED for the win! ************************************************************************* Galexia was defeated. But this victory was bittersweet... Where would her minions, and the people she ruled so harshly now go? Theo wasted no time in inviting them to Earth! New friends, the ultimate partying... The belt was returned, and peace had prevailed in the galaxy! But a deep red glow emanates from our own planet...and we must continue the battle. We'll see you in March! Hail Baby Worm!!!!